[REVIEW] Twilight - Stephenie Meyer

Stephenie Meyer

Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)

Hachette Atom (AU: July 2008; UK: 30th October 2008; US & CA: 1st November 2008)

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Before you even lay hands on Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, you’ll know whether or not it’s for you. I knew it wasn’t for me, but decided to give it a chance anyway. After all, I did enjoy the author’s futuristic adult novel, The Host. So this week I began reading, sending my thoughts to Twitter and Facebook as I went along. Thanks to all my commenters – you made the reading experience a whole lot more fun

This is clearly a character-driven novel, considering the external plot only kicks in with about 130 pages left. From here, the suspense builds and the story is more enjoyable. But all the relationship faff that makes up the bulk of Twilight…it pissed me off on so many levels.

I’ve already started the sequel, New Moon, but here’re organised lists of what you should know (or what I’d like to know) about Twilight:

LOGICFAIL

-Bella goes faint at the scent of 1 drop of blood in the room. How does she handle rolling out the red carpet every month? Maybe she has a Magical Uterus of Infinite Purity, so no red carpet.

-No particular reason why Edward can’t read Bella’s mind. She’s a Speshul Snowflake?

-If vampires can procreate, can they spread VD, too?

THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC; IT’S CREEPY!

-Edward follows/stalks Bella. She doesn’t mind; kind of likes it…but this understates the situation. She totally wants to roger him, y’all! But on a more serious note, it’s an abusive relationship, only Bella won’t/can’t admit it to herself or anyone else. She mistakes stalking as being romantic, and since there are so many readers who go fangirly over Edward…This is just so depressing. Bella and these females must have low self-esteem, the poor lasses. You deserve better than stalkers, ladies! This concept of “wuv” confuses and infuriates us!

-Edward explains vampires as like alcoholics and heroin addicts. That would make Bella an enabler?

-Edward knows where Bella’s spare key is. He watches her sleep (and talk in her sleep) every night. She’s flattered. Not cool!

OTHER NOTES

-”Quileute” seems to be pronounced Kwil-leh-oot (thanks to Wikipedia).

-Kind of hilarious when Bella thinks Edward is a superhero. What would be his alias?

-The PE teacher’s surname is Clapp. Too many VD jokes…Giggity.

-”…my gratuitous drug use.” If Bella really was a druggie, that would explain a lot about her effed-up psyche.

-Other than books for school, Bella only reads classics. Up yours, Bella; why can’t you support authors who are actually alive?

-So many references of Edward being like stone and metal. He’s not a vampire – he’s Steampunk Eddie.

-Edward has worse PMS than mine.

-”So if you don’t want to sleep…” Of course she doesn’t want to sleep, Steampunk Eddie. She wants to get barrre rrroooooted!

-Short snippet from film: Sparkle looks more like when arm hair is in direct sunlight. Not beautiful. Fugly.

-Edward: born in 1901. Book 1st published: 2005. A 104-year-old virgin. Would’ve thought he’d be shagging corpses come age 100.